In early 2004 I realized Msgr had run out of obvious places to pilgrimage. Fearing he would create a trip to somewhere uninteresting to me, I went to see him. I basically told him that we now had a group of Usual Suspects, and I could help him by becoming the “trip wrangler”, selecting a destination, then convincing him it was his idea, then selling the trip to the Usual Suspects. He asked where I wanted to go, and I replied “Russia”. He asked why, and I told him that as a child in elementary school we were taught to get under our desks in case of a nuclear attack by the Soviet Union. That my childhood and early adult years were lived under the threat of a nuclear holocaust by the Communist leaders in Russia, and I wanted to see this place and its people. And, of course, the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991 and the splintered nations had been in turmoil ever since.
So, he agreed, and he and Garo put together a trip that included St. Petersburg, a ground trip through the Baltics, and a flight to Moscow.
What we discovered was a set of countries that had been forced through horrible deprivations, both political and economic. The Baltics were somewhat recovering, especially Lithuania and Estonia. Latvia was very poor and backward. Russia was in a state of despair. For 88 years, the people pretended to work and the Soviet pretended to pay them and provide lots of cheap vodka to keep them drunk. They had no idea how to create businesses or apply for a job or whatever. Gangsters had seized huge parts of the economy and were milking it dry. In St. Petersburg, we stayed at a brand-new Marriott. The young staffers were trying so hard, trying to learn the right way of hospitality work. They wanted to talk to us all the time to practice their English. They were wildly curious about America. Many were trying to find a way to immigrate to the US or Canada. St. Petersburg is like Washington,DC, a center of culture and historic government. Moscow is like New York City, a commercial and power center. In Moscow we saw lots of gangsters in black leather jackets and prostitutes and casinos and strip clubs. A civilization in collapse.
Touring the palaces of St. Petersburg illuminated the grandeur of Russian Royalty. And the Orthodox churches were spectacular. Interestingly, seminaries and convents were booming. Being a priest or nun was one of the most attractive jobs available to young people. Plus, there was a surge of worship after 9 decades of suppression of faith.
Touring the Kremlin was fascinating. It was such a symbol of Soviet power, with the annual May Day parades of missiles, tanks, airplanes, and troops past Lenin’s tomb.
I remember us being stressed out when our bus went through a Russian border checkpoint leaving St. Petersburg for Estonia. The Russian soldiers were serious and scary, very young, but still scary. And going through customs after landing in Moscow was pretty stressful.
Another important event on the trip was my first skit. I dreamed up the idea a few days before our finale dinner in Moscow.
The premise was that I was Ivan Smirnoff, a roving religious reporter for CNN International who had heard about a drunken bunch of religious fanatics from Atlanta, Georgia who had been terrorizing Russia and the Baltics. They were led by a messianic character named Edward the Terrible (Msgr is Edward Dillon). So I conducted a live interview with him, played by Lloyd Whitaker, who turned out to be a big ham and a great thespian. Knowing that CNN is a commercial network, I realized I needed a commercial. I enlisted the services of Mary Bess, who played a Russian hostess named Olga Bomba with bad teeth who was peddling vodka, a special “Holy Spirit Vodka” (pronounced WODKA), made carefully by the little children at Holy Spirit Prep during their recess time. It came in a special decanter with wings. She was hilarious.
